The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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