she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
