i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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