You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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