Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
