I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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