she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
