oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
