In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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