need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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