I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
