For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
