Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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