bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
