I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
