We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
