Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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