Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What a dumb baby whore.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
