just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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