I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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