so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
