My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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