i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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