Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
