He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
