You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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