My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
