felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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