Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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