I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
