I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
