Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
