Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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