dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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