I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
