summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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