there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
