I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
