he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
