he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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