he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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