girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
