chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm getting married
To pizza
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
