Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
