I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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