I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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