This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
