I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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