Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
