I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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