oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
